(A realistic guide to baby essentials for parents trying to stay sane in 2025)

8 Essential Things for a Newborn

It’s 2025, and you’ve just arrived on a small blue planet spinning somewhere in the unfashionable end of the Milky Way galaxy. It’s mostly harmless — though occasionally inconvenient, perpetually confused, and alarmingly obsessed with oat milk. The locals call it Earth. You’ll like it here, most of the time.

To the new parents: congratulations. You’ve done something miraculous, irrational, and entirely human. You’ve brought a tiny person into a world that doesn’t come with a manual — just opinions, algorithms, and delivery delays. Still, don’t panic. We at Allyoucanbuy.be have observed this species long enough to compile a short survival guide. It’s not definitive (nothing ever is), but these eight essentials will help you navigate the first chaotic chapter of parenthood with minimal panic and maximum caffeine.

1. Strollers: Engineering, Anxiety, and Aerodynamics

The stroller is a triumph of modern overengineering. It has cup holders, hydraulic suspension, five safety certifications, and a folding mechanism designed by people who clearly never had children. Some models appear to have been wind-tunnel tested. You’ll practise collapsing it in parking lots until one day it obeys you, and in that moment, you’ll feel like a master of the universe. At Allyoucanbuy.be, we’ve seen every model — and we still don’t know where you’re supposed to put it once it’s folded.

2. Bottles: Humanity’s Most Persistent Design Flaw

For a species capable of launching telescopes into deep space, humanity has made little progress on the baby bottle. “Anti-colic,” “anti-leak,” “gravity-resistant” — all delightful fiction. The truth is that milk will find its way into your shoes, the sofa, and parts of your soul you didn’t know could smell like dairy. Still, bottles are essential. You’ll own too many, and you’ll never find the one you actually like. We keep plenty at Allyoucanbuy.be, though none yet come with an operator’s manual.

3. Swaddles: The Closest Thing to Peace on Earth

The swaddle is humanity’s greatest attempt at taming entropy with fabric. You’ll fold, wrap, and rewrap while muttering things that would scandalise philosophers. Eventually, you’ll achieve a result that looks surprisingly professional, and your baby will reward you with five minutes of serenity before escaping like a determined magician. It’s worth it for those moments of calm — the quiet illusion that the universe makes sense. Allyoucanbuy.be can’t guarantee peace, but we do sell soft, forgiving fabric.

4. Baby Monitors: Because Sleep Is Now a Spectator Sport

There was a time when parents simply hoped their children were fine. Now you’ll sit in the dark, illuminated by a small screen, watching your baby sleep in night vision as if you’re tracking an endangered species. It’s not restful, but it’s oddly comforting. The monitor doesn’t make you calmer — it just gives your anxiety high-definition clarity. At Allyoucanbuy.be, we call that progress.

5. Soft Toys: Comfort in a Universe of Sharp Edges

In a galaxy where most things beep, flash, or require charging, the humble soft toy remains gloriously analogue. It’s warm, loyal, and occasionally drooled on. One day it will vanish under mysterious circumstances, and the household panic will rival that of a missing spacecraft. Until then, it’s the purest form of comfort — and at Allyoucanbuy.be, we consider them small ambassadors of calm.

6. Diaper Bags: The True Symbol of Adulthood

No one ever warned you that true maturity would come in the form of a large fabric satchel filled with wipes, snacks, and despair. The diaper bag is not an accessory — it’s a mobile civilisation. You’ll carry it everywhere, and it will contain everything except what you actually need. Still, it’s indispensable. We at Allyoucanbuy.be salute the brave parents who treat it like the tactical gear it truly is.

7. White Noise Machines: Technology’s Kindest Lie

A small box that hums gently, whispering to your baby — and to you — that the world is calm, predictable, and safe. It isn’t, of course, but for a few blessed hours, you’ll believe it might be. The soft, mechanical ocean in the corner of the room will drown out both chaos and thought. That illusion is priceless, and we’re happy to help you find one at Allyoucanbuy.be.

8. Coffee: The Unsung Hero of the Human Race

Coffee is the parent’s equivalent of rocket fuel — the only thing preventing humanity’s extinction before 9 a.m. You’ll brew it, forget it, reheat it, and still drink it gratefully. It won’t make the baby sleep, but it will make you capable of pretending to function, which is the next best thing. Coffee is civilisation’s great unifier. It’s not in our product catalogue, but everything else that makes it possible is.

A Final Word from the Universe

So here you are, a new family hurtling through space on a rock that spins faster than your washing machine, doing your best to make sense of it all. You’ll make mistakes. You’ll learn faster than you thought possible. You’ll discover that love, not logic, is what keeps the whole improbable system running.

Don’t panic. You have a stroller, bottles, blankets, caffeine, and the good sense to shop where practicality still means something — AllYouCanBuy.

The universe may be unpredictable, but in your corner of it, everything is exactly as it should be: chaotic, wonderful, and unmistakably human.